The Infernal Portal closes

Yay! Stemfard Collage has been threatened with closure!

Took That Job and Shoved It

Stemfard Collage- is the most absolute dark pus-filled scrapings off Satan's penis bloody sham of a Malaysian private educational institute. May they continue to rot in hell and close down in a storm of scandal bwahahah

TIme To Move On

Mama take these whiteboard markers away from me
I can't use them anymore
It's getting dumb, too dumb to teach
I feel like knocking on the classroom door

..Knock, knock, knocking on the class room door

(To the tune of Bob Dylan's, 'Knocking On Heaven's Door')


Seriously, my dear bloggies, some jobs ain't worth it any longer ;P. And I will take any opportunity to parody Bob Dylan, bwahahahhah

RoadWorks Cake

There's all types of 'Rocky Road' desserts, but here's introducing:

RoadWorks Cake

The little bumps are the workers who fell in...

E6n1's Tough Guide To Writing: Overcoming Writer's BLLLOOOOCCCKKK

I have received numerous requests (not including those from the voices in my head...) for the following post. Only because last month, I turned professional- as in writer (and not wrestler). I am happy to share what works best for me.

The proverbial writer's block differs for anyone who has had to sit down in front of a blank screen/A4 sheet and string words and sentences together. The block maybe monolithic and impassive like that alien enigma in 2001: A Space Odyssey, or a gauntlet of barriers, uniforms , spot checks and flashing lights like a border police roadblock during the Cold War. Both inspire the same daunting feeling of, "ARGHHH!! HOW DO I GET AROUND THIS?!!!"

To quote Rudy Guiliani, the former mayor of New York, "If the ends don't justify the means, I don't know what does." Do whatever it takes, of course within reasonable limits and consideration for your personal health and sanity. Don't think about other people's health and sanity at the moment, after all, *you* are the one crafting a written work of art, or meeting an important deadline.

I find music works for me, mainly the music I used to listen to when I was 8-16 years old. Only because it recalls a time when I was open to new ideas. Perhaps it could work for you. Don't want alot of cheese on your mp3 player? Well, it's *your* mp3 player, hence the name 'Personal Stereo'. Put on more music that you like, than music that you'd like other people to see when they browse through your playlists.

The other method I use, is baking. It has many parallels to writing: Your first few attempts will be pitiful and laughable. You will cringe, curse and swear never to leave out key ingredients or add them in the wrong order. You will learn the value of aquiring the proper equipment and of not cutting corners. You may vow never to let your creations see the light of day, but when you do, the reception will invariably be, "It's not too bad...". And in the end, your efforts will be rewarded.

Also, unlike written FUBARs, baked FUBARs are never totally indigestible. Unless you have reduced the dough mixture into blackened carcinogenic lumps, and hence back to Carbon (C)

Management For Arsehole Bosses

Arsehole bosses: we all have them at some point in our working lives (the bosses, not the arseholes). Articles and books abound on the subject dealing with toxic bosses, but who merely wants to *deal* with them? You want to crush them underfoot! You want to deflate their pathetic power-tripping egos like a cruise missile puncturing a circus tent! You want to make them as miserable as they make you....

I'm not advocating murder or grievous bodily harm, as a criminal record looks worse for your career than a bad performance review. Also, I do not encourage technological or psychological sabotage. Deleting precious files on purpose, 'misplacing' and "forgetting" to write an urgent report, circulating details of various porn sites your boss browses during lunch hour or general counter-backstabbing will only temporarily satiate you. Arsehole bosses also come with a posse of yes-men, hangers-on and toadies. Let's not have the possibility of getting caught hanging over you like the Sword of Damocles.

The Greek legend of the Sword of Damocles symbolizes the imminent and ever-present peril faced by those in positions of power (look it up, if you're unfamiliar with the tale...)

You too can be inspired this legend!Begin by displaying the following quote somewhere on your desk/workstation, 'METUS EST PLENA TYRANNIS' (The tyrant is filled with fear), where you can easily see it. Don't fret, unless your boss learnt Latin during his days at some top-notch public school, besides if he did, he wouldn't be sitting where he is now....

Repeating the quote to yourself can make you feel better, but remember: The fear or nowadays, stress/pressure might explain your boss' behaviour, but it doesn't JUSTIFY it. It is never acceptable to abuse your sub-ordinates. On your part, it is perfectly acceptable to engage in behaviour that plays on your boss' fears and insecurities. Bear in mind that arsehole bosses fall into the following types:

1) The Bundle of Nerves (BONs)

This type is more volatile than a packet of Semtex rattling around in a butane cannister. You cannot change their explosive natures, but you can harness them to your advantage. During the next meeting, feign an annoying but common physical tic or habit: blocked sinuses, use of asthma-inhalers, sneezing, complain about the air-conditioning every 2 minutes. Yes, BONs blow up but allow them to. They never quite recover their loss of face and credibilty.

2) Condescending, Utilitarian, Nay-Saying Types (CUNTs)

You may be familiar with this type- everything they say, do and throw at you is, *gasp* for "your own good". Any ideas or proposals you put forward are received with superficial praise, followed by systematic rubbishing and garnished with condescension: "Yes, you have raised some important points, as someone of your qualifications should, but however...". Do unto them as they have done unto you: Preface future ideas and proposals with, "Before I say anything, I'd like to hear your valuable insight into this..." and keep nodding, smiling and shaking your head in slow exaggerated gestures: "That's absolutely right except...". CUNTs tend to be smarter than the average BON, and should get the message after your sly parody of their behaviour.

3) Shameless Sonofabitch (SSOB)

Some bosses don't care for basic social etiquette, they flout workplace rules while their motto is 'Do As I Order You Not To Do, Not Do As I Myself Am Allowed to Get Away With.". The less harmful SSOBs got their jobs by way of string-pulling and connections, whereas the extreme ones engage in verbal and sexual harrassment while playing solitaire on their PCs. In dealing with SSOBs, I quote the Dalai Lama in encouraging, "A necessary display of force". Show your SSOB not to f**k with you, or he/she will be verrrrry sorry. Specifically, 'secretly planted laxatives-in-morning-coffee' sorry.

4) Surveillance Freaks (SFs)

Where did you go during lunch? Why did your take an extra 15-minutes of lunch hour? How come you didn't come back to the office after meeting clients? SFs ask too many questions: react by providing too many answers of the unplesant kind. Any combination of the following words should suffice: 'Proctologist", "Emergency" "check-up" "re-curring", "diarrhoea", "gynaecological", "piles", "bleeding".

Recommended Reading List: (Good enough for army generals- great for disgruntled underlings)

1) 'The Art Of War', Sun Tzu
2) 'The Prince', Niccolo Machiavelli
3)'Seven Pillars of Wisdom'- T.E Lawrence

"Memory Man"- Aqualung

For the uninitiated, 'Aqualung' is the stage name of English singer-songwriter, Matt Hales. He is usually lumped together with Coldplay. Comparisons that are rather puzzling, for the resemblance is only in passing; the frail but winning vocals, tinkling piano-playing and enigmatic, plaintive ballads.

Commercial sucess eludes Aqualung, even after scoring hits with 'Strange And Beautiful', soundtracking a Volkswagen Beetle advert in 2002, and 'Brighter Than Sunshine' in 2003. Perhaps a move to Columbia Records, USA will change Matt Hales' fortunes for the better. But for now, look to his 2007 album, 'Memory Man' for gorgeous,swirling, wistful music that could fill up a stadium as well as a concert-hall, in atmospherics, if not in audience. He also broke out the hard, rawkin' guitar, feedback, vocoders and breakbeats, so *take that* to all those knee-jerk Coldplay comparisions.

The Unlikely Lads

Set up your campsite outside the nearest multiplex my fellow bloggies! Summer is here again and the blockbusters are all lined up and ready for all discerning moviegoers-well, the ones that possess vision anyway....

We are seeing instances of off-kilter casting in big-budget action flicks this year. Despite their varying degrees of success, don't hold your breath for another studio film summer as interesting as 2008:

1) 'Indiana Jones And the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.'
Harrison Ford wears the same Feodora but he is far from old hat. A laudable, CGI-kept-to-a minimum effort although Indy maybe carrying his senior citizen's bus pass along with that bullwhip. Cate Blanchett plays a cool villainess- is there no limit to the woman's range?

2) 'Wanted'
James Mcavoy goes from "Atonement" to "Arse-kicking, toned-up, mentalist" cubicle rat-turned sexy assassin. This writer in still in post-orgas....ermmm, shock. Angelina Jolie also plays a sexy assassin..hang on, that's not a surprise...

3) 'Iron Man'
Middle-aged character actor with looong history of substance abuse playing a millionaire playboy cum superhero? Not just *any* middle-aged character actor with looong history of substance abuse, ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Robert Downey Junior!

4) 'Batman: The Dark Knight'
(Think back to 2005, 'Batman Begins) Mid-30s character actor specializing in difficult roles cast as a millionaire playboy cum superhero? Christian Bale reconfirms his action credentials this summer. Heath Ledger gives audiences a final highlight of a brief but worthy career.

5)'HellBoy II: The Golden Army'

The villain looks like Rick Wakeman from the prog rock band Yes but no, it isn't him. Under the white wig, gold contacts and pancake stik, it's former Bros band member Luke Goss!

The Wedding Whinger

Urghhh! I've had it up to here with well-meaning (how can it mean well?) people who suggest that I get married and settle down soon.

How utterly rude and obnoxious...but fret not my fellow bloggies, if you find yourselves in a similar situation. Console and justify your irritation and disillusion with the proponents of the matrimonial institution with the following list of The Worst Songs To Play At A Wedding. Not merely the annoying or overplayed songs , but tunes so inappropriate that you are guaranteed to get ejected (and shot) by both sides. (Feel free to suggest more songs when you leave a comment):

1.'Love Will Tear Us Apart' : Joy Division

Sounds like four funerals at a wedding. Including your own funeral, if the bridal party ever catch you cranking this dirge up.

2. '25 Minutes': Michael Learns To Rock.

A mawkish and inappropriate double whammy of a pop song. "25 minutes! I was 25 minutes too late!" wails the singer to the newlywed bride in the song. The title also refers to the window of time you have to escape, before the bridal party hunts you down.

3. 'The Bitterest Pill (I Ever Had To Swallow): The Jam

Most likely to get you into a jam at the wedding, because of the possible blowback: Depending on your sex, you either identify with Paul Weller's betrayed lover persona or the object of his vitriol, walking down the aisle at the beginning of the song. Blame this tune if the best man's drunken speech suddenly turns (ahem!) bitter.

4.'Imperial March, from The Empire Strikes Back' OST : John Williams

Do not attempt to play this for the couple's entrance, unless both bride and groom are hardcore Star Wars fans. Even then, you may unleash everyone's inner Rancor.

5. Stalker Songs

'Every Breath You Take' by The Police is the obvious culprit. Try, 'If You' Re Not The One' by Daniel Bedingfield, Sinead O' Connor's version of 'Nothing Compares 2 U",or "You Could Be Mine",by Guns N' Roses. With that last song, you will get your share of actual guns and funerary roses.

6.'The James Bond Theme': Monty Norman

Hey you, the best man! You may feel smart and rakish when suited up, and it may have been your idea to include this theme tune in the wedding playlist, but do not invoke the presence of 007, secret agent and ladies man, at a wedding.

7. 'D.I.V.O.R.C.E': Tammy Wynnette

You may get lynched for playing this song but don't stop let the country theme stop there, pardner! Also try, 'Before He Cheats': Carrie Underwood and 'Achey Breaky Heart': Billy Rae Cyrus. YEEE- HAWWW!

8. The Smiths

Do not invoke the hoary 'irony/tongue-in-cheek' excuse if you want The Smiths played at a wedding. Bet your bridal bouquet that Morissey will sing and ruin the mood like the Pope Of Mope. I recommend, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out", "I Know Its Over" and "Girlfriend In A Coma". Top it off with "How Soon Is Now", which should clear the hall in seconds.

9. 'Sex Dwarf': Soft Cell

The sleazy synth riffs, squealy sound affects and blatant lyrics about bondage and exhibitionism! If the couple are open-minded enough, they may find this tune amusing, as it maybe soundtracking their wedding night. I wouldn't vouch for their relatives, though.

10. 'Girlfriend' Avril Lavigne

Run for cover! This song sounds like a bitchy chorus of all the groom's ex-girlfriends gatecrashing the wedding. Hang on, that is exactly what they are doing.

11. 'Weird' Al Yankovic

His better-known pop song parodies and polka-medley covers will only provide mildly amusing diversions during the dinner and dance. For guaranteed mayhem, turn to 'Weird' Al's original songs. They are hilarious twists on the cliched love ballad, such as 'I Was Only Kidding' and 'One More Minute', which contains the unforgettable lyric:"You left me at the gas-station of love and now I have to use the self-service pumps"!

12. 'This Is Not A Love Song'/ 'Death Disco', Public Image Limited

Former Sex Pistol John Lydon does dub, sampling, and dance, all accompanied by Jah Wobble's seismic bass and Keith Levene's distress-call electric guitar. Lydon is not strictly a singer; his vocals are more like 2 parts attitude mixed with 1 part banshee, with generous lashings of paint-stripper. These two songs should get those dour, angsty teenaged cousins who never wanted to attend in the first place, up and dancing before the cake is cut.

13. 'Addicted To Love', Robert Palmer

Normally this is a very innocuous tune, a staple of radio playlists, a great song to play when you are driving or getting ready for a night on the town.

BUT- why oh why, when played at weddings, does it encourage elderly and middle-aged men and women to contort themselves into the most grinding, hip-swivelling and humiliating shapes on the dancefloor? Maybe it's that guitar riff, maybe it's the collective consciousness recalling that Robert Palmer video, plus all that alcohol during dinner.

"Grab-Bag"- Results of Record Shop Impulse-Buying Spree.

"Never buy things you don't need on impulse."
"Always go shopping with a list."
"Set a budget before you go shopping."

Repeat after me: The above rules of accepted wisdom do not apply to buying music.
And this does not include downloading (legally or illegally). Just as vinyl and the analogue cassette still endure, the record shop remains. Buying your music off the Net tends to diminish the pleasure of drifting into a shop and thumbing through the racks of CDs, asking the assistant, "Hey, what's playing now?" and testing the CDs.
To hell with browsing and testing, some consumers may say, that's why we prefer to download, and skip going to the noisy shop, getting ripped off and ripping off our fingernails while trying to unwrap CDs when we get home. We like it fast, easy, cheap (or gratis) and straight into our Ipods.

Well, before you turn into a complete Pod-person, i.e develop potato-like 'eyes', rhizomes and put down roots in front of your PC, try the following experiment: Walk into the record shop and buy 5 records that quickly (within 10 minutes) catch your attention. 'What if I don't like the records?' well, you don't know until you've listened to them, right?



Here are my findings:
1. The Complete Adventures of The Style Council (1998-boxset)

I could not resist the glossy white embossed cardboard packaging, it resembles the posh packaging of gloves or ties from a high-end haberdasher or menswear shop. On paper, The Style Council should suck like one of Stephen Hawkins' theoretical mega-blackholes: ex-Jam frontman and Rickenbacker aficionado Paul Weller doing politically-tinged soul, jazz, funk and more soul? The music is stellar, and after all that new-wave shouting and mod guitar-crunching of The Jam, who knew that Paul Weller could really sing lovely haunting summertime ballads such as 'You're The Best Thing.' and 'Long Hot Summer'?

2. James-The Best Of (1998)
The quasi hippie/kindergarten class coverart intrigued me. James are best known for their Student Union jukebox staple 'Sit Down', and this compilation of 18 tracks spans their career from Smiths jingle-jangle contemporaries to baggy marginalised indie group. For an impulse buy, sheer value for money.



3. Trip The Light Fantastic (2007)
Say what you like about Ms. Ellis-Bextor, but four years is a long time in dance-pop. It may surprise you that I don't already own this. Don't let the pseudo-Tamara Lempicka artwork put you off, it is not a case of style over substance with her latest album.






4. La Revancha Del Tango (2001)

The album cover seemed like a most cringeworthy visual pun, (puh-lease! 'Go tan' project? Tattooed on some model's chest!) then I realised that this was the debut album of the French trio's tango dance/ambient hybrid. You get ten eclectic tracks, which will put you in the mood for a sensual pas de deux along Pont Neuf, without getting arrested by any passing gendarmes.

The Migraine-Inducing Reading List (Or:What NOT to Read When Hungover...)

1. "The Man In The High Castle"-Phillip K. Dick
A book-within-a-book subplot worked into a quixotic slice of alternative history: what if the Axis Powers had won World War II? Can you handle it?
If not, and if you really really need your dose of quality Dick (snigger!) go and watch 'Blade Runner' or 'Minority Report'. Do not complain that movie adaptations do not do full justice to PKD's literary vision- there's a very good reason why. Film studios are not be held responsible for disintegrating the brains of screenwriters, directors and test-audiences into puddles of steaming goo.

2. "Labyrinths: Selected Stories and Other Writings" - Jorge Luis Borges

The stories in this volume have been likened to philosophical Chinese-box puzzles. Borges' genius is indisputable but what happens when you try to solve any puzzle with a migraine and/or hangover? You give up after two minutes. Return to Borges when you are back under the influence, even at the risk of forgetting any insights when you sober up or come down.











3. "Ulysses"-James Joyce

*Such* a weighty tome! Here's a heavy book in all senses of the word. I recommend the annotated edition- only because I get a sadistic thrill from thinking of all you poor migraine/ hangover sufferers trying to read footnotes and keeping up with definitions. Save yourself the trouble and bash yourself over the head with this one. It won't cure your headache but you'll forget all about it if you take aim and apply enough force






4. "Only Revolutions" by Mark Z. Danielewski

It's hard enough trying to read in a straight line when you are chugging down Panadols and Alka-Seltzer. All of the text in this novel goes up and down, in two-toned curlicues and in mirror-image. The book title is apt enough- you'll be seeing spirals when you try to read this. If this book makes sense to you or the spirals are big green pythons that are talking to you about the postmodern tropes in this book, then your problem is bigger than a hangover or a migraine.

Variations On A Local Theme (A. Parody)

Here be the type of local literature poems you wished they taught you in school:

The Haunted Village
The village is haunted
Beyond the lallang fence
are graves full of old bones.
Tombs are looted
by modern-day robbers.

There is a ghostly entity
in this gutless village:
Of a girl
Strangled behind the mosque,
Violated into eternal pain.
Now she howls after every sunset.


The Constipated Village
The village is constipated.
Behind a corroded iron fence,
In use through out the long day,
Toilets are occupied by the villagers.

There is no toilet paper
in this crowded village.
The small stream behind the toilets,
cannot flow into the drain.
Now clogged up with old newspapers.

The Horrible Village
The village is horrible.
There is a head on the barbed wire fence.
Coming home from school.
kids are murdered by busy housewives.

There is no judiciary
in this lawless village.
The poisoned stream behind the mosque,
chokes itself on hidden secrets.
Spewing out the undead.